A Study In Pink  In Quicktime
by MayaDeLima
Summary: A humorous summary of the first episode of Sherlock.


**A Study In Pink – in Quicktime**

_I wrote it together with my friend Josi, being inspired by this awesome piece of writing: /s/7731925/1/A_Scandal_in_Belgravia_in_Quicktime_

_Random War Scene -_

Everyone: Why are they shooting? Is that REALLY Sherlock Holmes?

_John's Hotel Room -_

John: Mummy! I'm scared! Evil war! Bad!

_John's therapist's room -_

Therapist: John, you're a soldier.

John: Oh, really?

Therapist: You need to adjust. Write a blog about your weird, psycho flatmate cause nothing in your own life is worth reading.

John: I don't have a flatmate.

Therapist: Your name is not Sherlock. Why do you think this show is called Sherlock? So, get yourself a flatmate called Sherlock.

John: Uhm. . . okay.

_Weird intro that really convinces us the show is set in the 21st century -_

_Press Conference -_

Donavan: People are dead. Basically we have no idea what's going on and we called you here to tell you. . . we have no idea.

Reporter: Can we ask stupid questions now?

Lestrade: Sure.

Reporter: How can we keep ourselves safe?

Lestrade: Don't commit suicide.

Reporter: So, we're not in danger?

Lestrade: Not at all.

Mysterious Texts: Wroooooooooooooong!

Reporter: Somehow I don't believe you anymore.

Mysterious Text for Lestrade: Moron! Just ask me already, I know everything. SH

Lestrade: SH – who could that be? Most certainly not Sherlock Holmes cause that would be too obvious.

_Park -_

Fat Guy: Hey John, remember me?

John: Nope.

Fat Guy: Looking for a flatmate?

John: Who'd wanna live with me? 

Fat Guy: Ahhh, I know just the guy. You're gonna make a lovely couple.

John: I'm not gay?

Fat Guy: This is London. Get used to slash references.

_Morgue -_

Sherlock: Yup, I'm beating up a dead guy with a riding crop.

Molly: OMGDROOLDREAMYLOOKI'MINLOVE333 Sherlock looks sooooooo hot violating dead people that I knew and kinda liked.

Sherlock: You wearing lipstick?

Molly: 'MWEARINGLIPSTICK333 Yes. Wanna get coffee?

Sherlock: Black, two sugars. Oh, and could you fetch me my morning newspaper and my slippers? Good dog!

Molly: WOOFWOOFDROOL.

_Laboratory -_

Fat Guy: Look, I randomly collected this dude from the streets. Haven't seen him in years. His name is John Watson.

Sherlock: Ah, so you've been to Afghanistan, your phone was a gift from your alcoholic brother cause you're obviously poor and. . . cut out that pathetic limping. By the way, I think we're gonna be great flatmates.

John: What's your name again?

Sherlock: My name is (dramatic pause) Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221B Baker Street.

Fangirls: Ohhhhh, I KNEW that.

John: Sherlock, huh? I'll definitely move in with you if your name is SHERLOCK.

Sherlock: Yeah, I play the violin, I sometimes don't talk, I'm generally a weird person and when I say I _play_ the violin – I mean I _rape_ it.

_221B Baker Street_ -

Mrs Hudson: I'm not your housekeeper. Come on in!

John: Look at this mess. And what kind of animal is that hanging on the wall wearing headphones?

Sherlock: I have no idea but the rest of the ugly stuff is mine. Feel free to make some more chaos.

John: A skull?

Sherlock: Yeah, an old friend. Killed him myself.

John: O.o

Sherlock: Just kidding. Don't touch it.

Mrs Hudson: When are you getting married? By the way, I'm not your housekeeper but I will babysit.

John: . . . still not gay and I intend to get a string of girlfriends just to prove it.

Lestrade: Hey, I just came across 221B Baker Street and thought to myself: That sounds just like the right place where one could find Sherlock Holmes, so I came to beg on my knees for your help cause I have absolutely no self esteem and no idea why I became a detective in the first place.

Sherlock: Mhhhhhhh, I'm not suuuuuuuure. I don't reeeeeaaaaaally like that kind of work. I'm sure I'd only be in the way and of no big help for you. Beg some more.

Lestrade: Pleeeeeaaaase, pretty please. You can annoy the hell out of Anderson and everyone else.

Sherlock: Well, okaaaaaay. If you insist.

Mrs Hudson (to Lestrade): I'm not your housekeeper either.

Sherlock: YES! Someone's dead. I'm happy. And for those who haven't noticed that I'm crazy I'm gonna jump around like a child at Christmas.

John: Okay, I'm living with a crazy person obviously. But he's the star of the show and as long as I'm living here I'm not gonna end up some unimportant minor character.

Mrs Hudson: I see you've got a leg. I've got a hip.

John: Well, me too. I've got a hip. A leg, two actually, and other body parts as well.

Mrs Hudson: That's nice. Wanna cup of tea? I'm not your housekeeper, just wanted to mention that.

Sherlock: Hey John. Just met you but. . . wanna come to a crime scene and assist me cause you're a doctor and I'm not allowed to bring my skull?

John: I have seen . . . so. . . many. . . dead. . . people . . . and I want MORE MORE MORE!

Sherlock: Okay then.

_Taxi -_

Sherlock: I'm a consulting detective.

John: What's that?

Sherlock: I don't know but I invented it and I'm the best. The only one. And the best.

John: And this is where you explain everything to me?

Sherlock: No. Boring. Read the script.

_Crime Scene_ -

Donavan: Hey freak!

Anderson: Hey freak!

Sherlock: You two are having an affair. And now I'm gonna take a look at the corpse and within 30 seconds I'll know everything about her.

Lestrade: But. . . how?

Sherlock: Because!

John: I think I have a crush.

Lestrade: Me too.

Fangirls: Me toooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Anderson: Fuck.

Sherlock: John, what do you think?

John: With my years of medical practice and knowledge and after a thorough examination of her non existent pulse and the lack of breath I've come to the conclusion that this woman suffers from tropical pestis nigeris caused by the obligat anaerobe clostridium vulgaris hilarus. Oooooooor she could be dead.

Lestrade: Yes! I got something right!

Sherlock: And that's why I needed Doctor Watson as an assistant. Now hand me her suitcase.

Lestrade: There is no suitcase.

Sherlock: Okay, since I already know it must be pink and small I'll just go find it. Whoa, I love serial killers. They kill so many people! Bye!

John: Wait! What about me?

Sherlock: PINK!

Lestrade: Ha, John, you're so screwed.

Donavan: He's right, you know. You're definitely screwed.

_Street_ -

Phone: RING

John: Oh, a public phone is ringing. I guess I'll answer.

Phone: Get into the car.

John: What car?

Phone: The car that's gonna pull up any second now.

John: But my mum told me not to get into a car with strangers.

Phone: I have sweets. And a hot girl.

John: Be right there!

_Car_ -

Anthea: Look, I know your name is John and I'll just give you some random alias: My name is Anthea. And I'm not gonna tell you where we're going and who you're gonna meet there. In fact, I'm not gonna tell you anything, instead I'm just gonna stare at my phone all the time.

John: And they say I need a therapist.

- _Random Location_ -

John: I've got a phone.

Mycroft: I know but I wanted to show off.

John: Who are you?

Mycroft: I'm the Queen without make up.

John: I heard they say it's safest to play along when meeting lunatics. . . so. . . nice to mee you, Your Majesty.

Mycroft: Are you dating Sherlock Holmes?

John: Deep breath. . . . deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath.

Mycroft: So, are you?

John: I am a heterosexual man. I like women. I'm not dating Sherlock Holmes. And I'm not gonna take you money.

Mycroft: Too bad. I have so much and no idea what to do with it.

Sherlock Text: Come home so I can treat you like my personal servant. SH

John: Gotta go. Master called.

Mycroft: Okay, bye and. . . fire your therapist.

John: And you all should get one.

- _221B Baker Street_ -

Sherlock: Found another way to freak John out. Faking drug use!

John: OMG! What are you doing? Heroin? Crystal? Cocaine? Crack? LSD? Ecstasy? Marijuana? Amphetamines? Liquid Ecstasy? Morphine? Mushrooms? Speed? Any other legal or illegal substances?

Sherlock: Nicotine patch.

John: OMG, we need to call an ambula. . . wait. . . nicotine patches? Why don't you just smoke? It's your apartment, too.

Sherlock: I want to be a good role model for the audience.

John: Really?

Sherlock: No. By the way – I need you to text a murderer from your own phone.

John: Oh, why didn't you say that this is the reason why I needed to come? I would've stayed away.

Sherlock: And I also need you to type it cause I'm a lazy bastard who stills wonders why he's always bored.

John: You just called me away from your friend, you know.

Sherlock: Friend? What friend? I don't have friends.

John: Your enemy. Arch-enemy?

Sherlock: Ahhh, you mean the Queen. Yeah, we're sort of related but he's a freak.

John: I think it runs in the family.

Sherlock: Don't be funny. Just text the murderer already. And I should also mention that I didn't kill her.

John: Why would I assume that?

Sherlock: Because I got her suitcase. It's PINK! I found it while pursuing my favourite hobby: looking through the trash.

John: Now that seems logical. Explain to me _why_ I texted the murderer again?

Sherlock: To say hello.

John: Wouldn't it be easiest to ask him who and where he is?

Sherlock: Don't be silly. The murderer's probably not as stupid as you are.

Phone rings.

Sherlock: Oh, actually he is. Now, since Mrs Hudson took my skull – wanna go on a date with me?

_Restaurant_ -

John: Did I actually agree to that?

Angelo: So, Sherlock, this is your boyfriend? You look really cute together.

John: NOT GAY! JUST FLATMATES!

Angelo: I'm not judgemental. I used to be a criminal and Sherlock here helped me out of a murder charge.

John: Now isn't that nice. And why are we dining at a criminal's? Sherlock? Why are you staring out of the window? Hey, Sherlock! I know your skull doesn't talk back but I do.

Sherlock: Shhhht! I'm staring.

John: Yeah, I can see that. What are you staring at?

Sherlock: Nothing. Yet.

John: Let me ask you. Why does everyone think that we're a couple? Do you have a boyfriend?

Sherlock: No.

John: Girlfriend? 

Sherlock: No.

John: Uhm. . . sheep?

Fangirls: WHAAAAT?

Sherlock: Cab! Run!

John: You're dating a cab? Oh, right. . . I'm coming!

Sherlock: Activating. . . inner. . . GPS. . . got signal. . . find route. . . faster than cab.

John: Show-off!

Sherlock: Now, I made you run through half of London just to show you around and to prove you don't need your walking stick.

John: What? Why don't you just admit you were wrong?

Sherlock: I wasn't wrong. I am never wrong. I intended to get the wrong cap. On purpose!

John: I wish I'd have my walking stick now. . . to beat you with it.

_221B Baker Street_ -

Mrs Hudson: I'm not your housekeeper and I'm not gonna clean up the mess they made upstairs.

Sherlock: Who?

Lestrade: Surprise Drug Bust!

John: But we're not doing drugs.

Sherlock: Shhht, don't say that.

John: Why not?

Sherlock: Cause I put some in your tea this morning.

John: WHAT?

Sherlock: Just kidding. Be quiet. You're not the only one with a history except that I didn't kill people.

Anderson: It's not just a drug bust, it's sort of a we're hating Sherlock party and we decided to invade your privacy and look through all of your stuff.

Donavan: I've found human eyes in the microwave.

Sherlock: So what? There's a head in the fridge, some fingers in the drawer and the weird animal on the wall is wearing headphones. That's just as crazy.

Anderson: It doesn't matter. We found the case. He's the murderer.

Lestrade: And we found the dead woman's dead daughter.

Sherlock: She's dead, too? Excellent. I love dead people!

Mrs Hudson: There's an annoying cab driver here that won't leave.

Sherlock: Okay, I think I'll take that. And by the way – I've figured it all out now. I am sooooo damn clever and you're all sooooo stupid. Hahahaha!

_Street _-

Weirdo Cabbie: Hi, I'm the guy who made those four people kill themselves. Get into my cab!

Sherlock: Or I could just call the police?

Weirdo Cabbie: But then you'll never know how I did it.

Sherlock: Damn! Have to know everything. Have to find out. Have to put myself in danger. Guess I'll get into the cab then.

Weirdo Cabbie: Just so you know. At the end you're gonna kill yourself too.

Sherlock: Why? Is your driving so bad?

_221B Baker Street_ -

John: What to do now? Read? Take a nap? Eat? Watch porn? Ah no, I'll save Sherlock.

_sort of a school_ -

Weirdo Cabbie: Let's talk.

Sherlock: So, that's it? You talk people to death? Boooooooooring.

Weirdo Cabbie: Not quiet. But since you're already bored: here's 2 pills. One's poisonous, other's isn't. I take the one you don't. But you'll die anyway.

Sherlock: If I die now what happens to the other two episodes of this season?

Weirdo Cabbie: Don't spoil it. Choose a pill!

Sherlock: I'll take the gun.

Weirdo Cabbie: I never said anything about a gun.

Sherlock: But I'll take it cause I know it's fake.

Weirdo Cabbie: You're no fun at all.

Sherlock: Yeah, I know. I could get out of all this with no trouble at all. . . but the self destructive side in me still wants to know if I could beat you.

Weirdo Cabbie: You can't. I'm a genius.

Sherlock: No, you're not. But this pill. . . this pill. . . staring at this fascinating pill. . . staring at this fascinating pill even longer. . . it's so fascinating. It's a pill.

John: Must shoot weird old guy!

Weirdo Cabbie: Dying -.-

Sherlock: Oh, surprise! I didn't see that coming.

Weirdo Cabbie: Still dying here.

Sherlock: Oh, right. Give me a name!

Weirdo Cabbie: Sherlock Holmes?

Sherlock: Not my name. Your sponsor's name.

Weirdo Cabbie: Sponsor? I'm not an alcoholic.

Sherlock: Gosh, you're stupid. I have to hurt you now.

Weirdo Cabbie: MORIATY!

Sherlock: Okay, you can die now.

Weirdo Cabbie: . . . did it for the kiiiiiiiiiiids.

_street_ -

Sherlock: Blanket stupid! Don't want it. Orange doesn't go with my skin tone.

Lestrade: You're in shock. But . . . can you describe the killer who killed the killer?

Sherlock: Yeah. . . errr. . . no . . . I'm in shock. Have to talk about rent.

Lestrade: What? 

Sherlock: Blanket! Shock! Rent!

John: Are you okay?

Sherlock: I know you shot the killer. Good job.

John: Uhm. . . thanks. Oh, look, over there! The Queen!

Sherlock: You _do_ know that he's not really the Queen but my brother?

Mycroft: But you can call me that if you want to. Why don't we just put this childish feud behind us now that John is in your live and hug and kiss and be a big happy family?

Sherlock: No, boring. Come on, John, let's have Chinese for dinner.

Mycroft: Anthea?

Anthea: Yeah?

Mycroft: I know that one day we will be one big happy family. But until then we must watch them like John watches his porn.

_The End_


End file.
